As I am only interested on mathematics among all the subjects, I have been over focus on mathematics and neglected my other subjects. As a result, my overall results have been pulled down by other subjects and I have been assigned to last few classes when I was in primary four. After being assigned to the class, I started giving up on my studies and refused to do any homework that assigned by the teachers. Everything changed when I met my primary four’s class teacher; she came and talked to me personally during a recess. She told me that one of the most important requirements to become an engineer is I should start by being a responsible person. After the conversation, I picked myself up and did my best in academia.
My teacher transferred to another school towards the end of my primary four school year and I also managed get a better result in the rest of my primary school time. After that, I kept her words close to heart and continued working hard in my secondary school, Polytechnic, and finally get into NUS. I believe if I had not met her in my life, I would have given up on my studies half way through my study life.
(270 words)
Last edited on 12 of Feb 2014
Last edited on 12 of Feb 2014
Hi,
ReplyDeleteNice to know that you had a great mentor during your school years!
Here are my comments on your post:
" The event that has shaped my life happened in many years ago."
- The word "in" should be removed since there is no need for it to describe "many years ago"
"...I was get attracted by the term “Engineer”
- The word get should also be removed since WAS is the connection between "I" and "attracted"
Hope this helps!
-Lye Yee
Hi Keng Hwa!
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you managed to pick yourself up eventually! There was a point in time in my life where I almost gave up on myself... So I guess I can relate to your feelings. Cheers for making it into university!
I'm unsure about these suggestions but perhaps you will like to take them into considerations during your edition?
- ...happened years ago
- ...I was attracted by
- ...due to my curiosity...I wanted to become an Engineer
- As I am only interested
- ...have been pulled down
- After being assigned to the class
- ...started giving up on my studies
- ...came and talked
- ...to become an engineer, I should start by being a responsible person.
- ...picked myself up and did my best in academia.
- My teacher transferred to another school towards the end of my Primary Four school year...
- ...I kept her words close to heart and continued to work hard
- ...if I had not met her, I would have given up on my studies
Keep writing and let's do our best in life! (:
Hi Keng Hwa,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you didn't give up! As the saying goes, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade".
Here are some suggestions for you:
1. I think some words are unnecessary and may be omitted from your sentences
- happened many years ago
- started in primary two
- I was attracted
- towards the end of primary four
- in secondary school
2. Verb tense
- everything changed when
- is to be a responsible person
- she was assigned to another school
- I kept her words
- continued working hard
- if I did not met her
- I would have given up
3. Others
- that one of the most important (instead of "about")
- she came and talk to me (instead of "talks")
Hope the above has been helpful!
- Yoke Ling
Thank you for sharing your primary school experience, Keng Hwa. You succinctly describe a very specific time in your life and how meeting one caring teacher became a monumental event for your attitude towards studying. What's also good about this post is that you have elicited lots of great feedback from your classmates.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your effort here.